I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
