the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
