This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
