Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
