Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
