someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
