You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
