better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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