who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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