Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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