I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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