I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How does it feel to date your dad?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
