Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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