I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He passed out mid-signature
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
