you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
