i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....