Hey man sorry I got all grabby
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
