this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
