Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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