She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
