Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
