Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
