I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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