I cannot find my penis.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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