i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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