nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
