FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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