Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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