I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
