I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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