tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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