She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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