it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
