Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
