Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You can't special order awesome
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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