after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
