Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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