I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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