I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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