I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
