True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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