Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize