yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
