Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
