I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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