please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's shark week go big or go home
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
