Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
