Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
