Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
