It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
