Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
