She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
