It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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