yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
