Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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