Ambien. No doubt about it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
