I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
