Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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