he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
