Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
