This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
