my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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