I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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