Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
