don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
