forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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