Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
