I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
