I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Mom said you looked used
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize