So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
