Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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