I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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