It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
